Letting go

It’s never an easy thing, the finance aspect of life, but it’s always there. Whether we like it or not, finances will always be one of the major focuses in life simply because we cannot get by without money of some sort. It doesn’t always have to be a lot, but the more your family grows, and the more our country changes, the more money we seem to need. It’s just the way it is. But, that does not mean it’s easy. Finances are difficult! You have to make sure your bills are paid on time, make sure you have food in your house, make sure you have a back up plan in case money is short, and it just goes on and on! So what happens when you get behind? What happens when you’re living paycheck to paycheck, and something gets behind? It’s not an easy thing getting back on track when you don’t have the resources to save up the resources in order to have a back up plan. So then what? You start selling things to get caught up? You work an extra shift?…. What if that’s not good enough? What then?

God has always been dealing with me on letting go of my problems and letting him be in charge. I don’t like not knowing if we’re going to have the money to pay bills one week. I like being in charge of my finances and knowing exactly how much is where. But being a paycheck to paycheck liver, I don’t get to do that! I don’t get to put extra away for emergency funds. I don’t get to have a cushion. So I have to put every ounce of faith I have in God, and trust him with everything we have. Let me tell you, that may seem easy and great and wonderful, but because I’m human, it’s most definitely not! It’s not easy at ALL to trust that, even though your bank says you’re not going to have enough to pay the bills, you’re going to be okay. It’s not wonderful seeing the negative amount in your bank more often than not. Even though you KNOW God has never let you down, and that there are people off worse than you, that fear of not having enough is always there taunting you and laughing at you. Satan loves to see fear and anger set in, and God wants to help you out of that hole! But that doesn’t mean it’s easy! Not one little bit.

So, here I am, stressing, fearful, angry once again. But where does that get me? No where except crying alone in a dark bedroom at night because I can’t see the future. All the while, God is there softly reminding me to just simply let it all go, and trust that he sees my future and that he knows exactly where I’m supposed to be. There he is, constantly reassuring me that he hasn’t let me fall yet, and that he doesn’t plan to any time soon. So why am I still afraid? Why do I still cry over numbers? Because I’m human. Because I can’t be perfect. Because the harder I try to let go and trust that God is always there for me, Satan is there also trying harder to push every little button I have that will trigger fear, anger, distrust, depression, self hate, and anything else he can find that will make me doubt my God. Letting go of something that has such a hold on your life is never going to be easy. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with it for years. I can’t tell you to “just let go” because I struggle with it myself still. But I can say to not ever stop trying. Don’t ever give up, and give it to God every time. I say that because it will continue to creep up on you and drive you insane. You will never be able to just hand it over once and have it all go away, but you can ALWAYS give it to God when it comes creeping back into your life…

The quickly passing time

Here I am once again, from what seems like a million years, bringing stories of my ever changing, yet stagnant life. Still working towards pulling our lives out of this rut, yet at the same moment, hiding any such struggle from our joyful, innocent minded children. The burden of it all continues to cloud my mind and weigh on me heavily, but my only hope is the faith that God has it all in his hands.

The summer has brought such joy and happiness to my girls. Splash pad, pools, bowling, and trips to the grandparents house have kept us busy, but the summer has only just begun. There is so much more ahead of us, but it seems as if its approaching far too quickly. The youngest of my girls, Kimberly, is turning one in a month, and I can only say to myself “but where has the time gone?”. It seems as if just yesterday, I was reminded once again just how painful, yet exhilarating, the experience of childbirth is. The time ticking away as each contraction caused me to grit my teeth and hope for the end. The reminder ever so often that I STILL was not finished. Then, the shortest moment of all, the final push, and there she was. My such surprising baby girl. She was the most perfect 9lb 5oz bundle of joy I had ever seen. Her chunky red cheeks and that firey red hair. I never knew I could love two people the exact same. But I quickly realized I could.

     Now, she’s the same wonderful, chunky, and red cheeked little hunk of joy I fell in love with almost a whole year ago. She’s army crawling around the house getting into whatever she can reach, devours more than I can eat in one sitting, and is working her hardest to catch up to her big sissy. 

     Where did the time go? Where is my baby? You never realize how quickly those late nights and still snuggles pass you by. I find myself wishing I could have that again. Thinking that maybe another would feed that hunger. But then I remember that I only have a short time with my babies, and I want to remember it and be as much as a mommy that I can be before I am again taken away by another bundle of joy. Also, they’re expensive as hell!

     As I plan her birthday, I just can’t believe that were here already, and that my oldest will be turning 3 in just a few more months…. 

Take pictures of that sweet little crawler. They’re the only thing that will keep you sane when that same “sweet” child is literally pulling the hair out of your head for you.