Here I am, Pajama pants, a hot cup of coffee, kids arguing in the background, I can’t help but think so many things at once. How it’s been ages since I’ve just sat around in my pajamas (even if it is for a mom group party later), how delicious my coffee came out this morning, how exhausted I am from last night, and how I am just going to let my kids work that one out by themselves (it worked). Even with all of these thoughts and emotions, I seem to still have a sense of peace about the morning. Whether it’s from complete exhaustion from wrestling my 3 year old at midnight to get back to bed, or whether I just simply have found a way to relax through all of this, whatever it is, I’m grateful for it.
It’s been an extremely long week (mostly at night), and I’ve been pushed to my very limits. I try my hardest to be a good mom and hold it all together. My mother was a prime example of the best mom ever. She hardly ever lost it in front of us (I know her closet was her vent space lol), she somehow was able to feed, bathe, and get all 9 of us in bed or settled, and had the entire house cleaned up by 8 o’ clock every night. So that has been my goal as a mom. Even if it’s not perfect, I try to be a good mom, wife, and homemaker, but sometimes, life simply gets to you. Lately we’ve been dealing with a child who is so full of emotions that she’s not quite sure how to express them properly. One second she will be laughing and running around, and the next she will be screaming her eyes out for only God knows why. I know that she’s a very expressive girl and I try to keep that in mind when dealing with her…. bi-polar tendencies, but last night I had my last straw.
It started out as a slow morning, girls up and dressed, headed to my nanny job, spent the morning doing nothing, then back home for naps. Stopped at the store on the way home for some much needed dinner groceries, but nothing special to report. Naps went smoothly, a little fuss from the oldest, but not near what it has been some days, and even after they were up, they were still my sweet children. After dinner is always a busy time for us because we have clean up, dishes, then baths for the girls. So, during this time, I always find myself in a debate with my strong willed child over whether she should put on her panties after bath or not, or whether she needs a 12th snack before bed, but this night, we didn’t have any of that non-sense. She complied with my directions, the baby was in bed by 7, and the night was looking promising! I even got the crazy one to bed and asleep before 8! Then it all went down hill from there….
10 o’ clock rolled around, and our stupid cat decided she needed to go and terrorize my sleeping bear. So just as we’re getting ready for bed, we hear rustling from the back, cries from the sleeping…*ahem* angel… then strangely enough, sounds of the baby gate being put up. Thinking it was the dang cat messing with it, we go to grab the cat, and find our 3 year old trying to put up the gate to keep the cat out. Even after daddy assured her that wasn’t necessary and that we would put the cat away, we were met with denial and the start of a fit from the child. The small whining due to not being able to finish the quest she had set out to conquer turned into a full blown crying session. This was met with several spankings, 1000 more cries, and she was eventually put back to bed. Now, you should know that we’ve been struggling with getting her to sleep in her own bed at night, and she usually ends up coming into our room at night and sleeping with us. We would simply put her back to bed, but this has gone on so much, that we now just sleep through it. So now, we are working at her sleeping in her own room, in her own bed, ALL night.
All was calm, all was bright, and we thought we had her back to sleep. Daddy came back from the lions den to join me in closing down the house, and just as we start celebrating our victory, we see a small shadow bolt across the hallway into our bedroom. “Not again” we both say in unison, and the night had just begun, even if we thought it was almost over. For the next hour an a half, we went through countless screaming sessions from a disgruntled party who was very upset that we weren’t letting her sleep with a pile of books in the office, numerous spankings, an equal number of hugs and kisses, and several trips BACK to bed. Finally, she realized that we weren’t in fact going to let her sleep in our bed, and she decided to give up and go to sleep. That’s when I lost my cool.
My poor husband had to sit and watch/listen to me pour my heart and soul out, this crying, sobbing, blubbering, ugly mess in front of him. I cried about how I felt that I was failing as a mother and how MY kid was turning into the “bad” kid at the parties (even though that’s not really true). I cried about how I was mad that she was so stubborn and hard headed. I bawled about how I was so sick and tired of having to put her back to bed 1000 times a night. I cried in wonder of where I went wrong…. and once I had cried it all out, my face puffy and my nose completely blocked from all of the ugly crying, I was done. I had gotten it all out, and my poor soul couldn’t take anymore, and I balled up, turned over, and went to sleep.
I woke up this morning completely drained, my child STILL ended up in my bed, child gate placed gently in the living room where she had stealthily set it aside, and I felt calm. I felt like the worst was done and it could only get better from her…. I sure hope to God that I’m right.
I am not writing this to complain or have people feel sorry for me. I want my fellow mothers to know that you are not alone. Whatever you’re going through, you are not alone. Also, don’t be afraid to get ugly sometimes. We all have to be ugly once in a while, and the best person to do that with is the person closest to you. So, get ugly, cry, complain, get snotty, then, grow a pair and do what you have to do as a mom the next day.
Oh, and you should know that during this writing, I was interrupted several times by that same crying child who couldn’t zip her jacket (WWI people…), my nice hot coffee was dumped on the floor by my curious baby, the baby I nanny was woken up by said cranky child, I had to open 4 cheese sticks (WWII until they were opened), I doled out 3 spankings for tantrums that are not going to be tolerated, and now they are peaceful… for the moment. Good day everyone… Good day